Cursing in the Warren home has always been...a curse. In other words, you can't. The rules have always been if Dad uses the words, we are free to use them, thereby putting all the pressure on him, not on us. However, in his concern for us learning how to express ourselves in times of stress, he taught us a few things.
1) If you hit your thumb with a hammer, stub your toe on a chair, bang your knee on a corner, hit your forehead on a counter, in other words, cause pain to any part of your body, we were taught to say "Interesting." It's very satisfying. Go try hitting your thumb on a hammer, and say "Interesting." You'll feel SO much better.
2) This one is a favorite of ours, because it can be used to express any number of emotions: "Flim flam the doo-dad!" It's versatile (you can use it when you're angry, surprised, scared, etc.), it has four words so you can draw out the exclamation, you can say it softly under your breath (as in "flim flam the doo-dad...") or you can shout it out loud (as in "FLIM---FLAM---THE---DOO-DAD!") This invaluable phrase has kept all of us out of trouble for years. No one knows how the phrase came into being, but we'd all have some soapy mouths without it.
Stay tuned for more entries from the Warren Dictionary!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
"Running with Scissors" or Why I Am the Most Responsible of My Siblings by Bethany Warren
Some of you may be wondering why I am the last of my brothers and sisters to post, or why I have waited so long to do so. I got the last slot because I won a bet with John Caleb. I waited because this post will finally confront the true issue of who the inheritance belongs to, so I wanted to give everyone time to prepare.
In most conflicts, the opponents will attack each other with smiles on their faces. Take political races, for example. They play hardball under the table, with the guise of being civil. Contrary to this popular form of fighting, my siblings, if you have payed close attention, have thus far been fairly civil with the unusual guise of being "nasty". This may be a hard concept for many of you to grasp. It took me weeks to realize the fact that everyone else was just being fake mean because they were scared of the consequences. But if you take a look at my record then you will clearly see that had I been afraid of the consequences of my actions, there would be no record of mine to look at. Therefore, I am pulling out all the stops. I will not only be addressing the various, obvious reasons why the inheritance belongs to me, but I will also be revealing some very substantial and truthful reasons why none of my dear siblings can lay claim to the coveted, and now famous, stockings and inheritance.
Aubrey) In high school, Aubrey routinely snuck out of the house at night to attend drinking parties. She didn't do this alone, either. She did it all with her contraband boyfriend, J, a master of forgery. (How else do you think they all got their fake IDs?) J later did a stint in jail for his very clever, but illegal, acts. [ I have never snuck out of the house to go to parties with a secret, criminal, boyfriend. I also have never had a fake ID.]
Aubrey is completely untrustworthy. It is impossible for her to keep a secret. For her siblings, telling something to Aubrey is like telling Dad and Mom...or NBC. [ I am a great secret keeper.]
Kristen) As a young child, Kristen constantly terrorized Annie. Once she made Annie eat one of her own scabs. Also some cat food. Kristen convinced Annie that she was adopted, because she didn't look like the rest of us. [ The only thing I ever convinced Shelley of was that if Dad ever became president, we would have to disown her because she wasn't born in the U.S.]
While at Moody Bible Institute, Kristen had a strict curfew. One night she realized that she had severely broken that curfew and, wanting to avoid discipline, stayed out walking around downtown Chicago with some random guy until 6 am, when the dorms opened again. [ I have never broken my school's curfew and never wandered around any major city for an entire night.]
Annie) Tattoo. Do you really need any more information about that? [ I do not have a tattoo.]
There was a time in our childhood when we were often left in the care of Annie. If she was tired of us and wanted us to go to bed at 6:00, if she wanted us to leave the room while she watched a movie, if she wanted us to be quiet while she was on the phone, or if she didn't want to feed us a much needed meal, then she would tell us that if we didn't obey then we wouldn't get the Fun Thing. The Fun Thing was this ominous nothingness, but it fooled us for months and months. One day CJ got fed up and told Annie that there was no Fun Thing. Annie blew up at her for giving away her secret weapon. [ I have never told that big a lie while babysitting any family members.]
Remember Aubrey's J? One day Annie was mad at Aubrey for not letting her hang out with her and J's sister, E, so Annie poured a tall glass of iced tea on E's brand new plaid Vans. (Afterwards, she received a swirly, courtesy of Aubrey's lovely friends.) [ I have never acted so viciously towards any of my older sisters' friends.]
Cathryn) When CJ was 13 (thirteen), she had a secret online boyfriend. She also, at the same time, had a secret camp boyfriend. So she was disobeying our parents, lying to them, and cheating on two unsuspecting boys. [ I have never had an online relationship, and I have never cheated on anyone.]
On Kristen's wedding day, my grandfather caught CJ, on camera, swiping frosting off of Kristen's wedding cake, before the wedding had even started. [ I have never purposefully disrespected any of my married sisters' special days.]
Poor Dok is terribly brain damaged. This limits the amount of responsibility she can have at any given time. What sort of things would happen if she were to be put in charge of the inheritance, and the coveted, fragile stockings? [ I am not brain damaged...as far as I know...and can now be given enormous amounts of responsibility.]
Nathan) Nathan started using profanity at an early age. It started with testing out Son-of-a-b**** at 8 years old, and ended with...never mind. [ I do not swear.]
Nathan has had more secret, and not-so-secret relationships than the rest of us combined. What should this tell you about his honesty with Dad and Mom? [ I have not lied to Dad and Mom...in years.]
Nathan has dropped out of college twice. Each time at a different school. His poor GPA is unpostable. [ I have never dropped out of anything, and my current GPA is 3.86.]
I could go on and on about Nathan, but it's all mostly the same stuff, boring after a while.
Shelley) A couple of years ago, Shelley told the world how she felt about the wonderful men that her three oldest sisters had chosen. She posted on an online message board that Dirk was so busy preaching and teaching that he was neglecting his wife and kids. She claimed that Dave couldn't provide for his own family because he was lazy. She also said that Caleb was detached from our family and that none of us liked him. [ I would never publicly criticize my three amazing brothers-in-law, who have given my parents the most beautiful 13 grandchildren ever.]
Shelley is so blonde, she would probably lose the antique stockings, and the inheritance, and forget that they were ever in her possession. Need some proof? I've compiled a few of Shelley's more famous blonde moments:
A lot of John Caleb's time these days is spent drawing his ideas for girls clothing and new characters from X-Men and Cats. [ I don't waste valuable time pretending to be a comic book illustrator or fashion designer.]
It is impossible for John Caleb to go five minutes without doing or saying something nasty to Timothy. According to John Caleb, every TV show that Timothy watches has something wrong with it, every game he plays is stupid, every girl he likes won't ever like hm back because he is immature and overweight. The list goes on and on. [ I am extremely nice to my baby brother, I even let him feed my fish almost every day.]
Timothy) Little Timothy is the only one of us who ever carried out a plan to run away. For being the only kid to actually run away from our parents, isn't it odd that he is now asking for their stockings, and the rest of the inheritance? [ I was smart enough to realize that there was nowhere to run away to, where they wouldn't send me back home.]
The mode of transportation most commonly used by Timothy is army crawling. That much time on the ground does have its consequences. [ I take every precaution to not smell like feet.]
So, as you can clearly see, the only one of my gracious and wonderful parents' children who is responsible and trustworthy enough to inherit the stockings is me. This may come as a surprise to those of you who have watched me grow up. I must admit, I was a very strong-willed child, among other things, and thus presented my parents with somewhat of a challenge. But I ask each and every one of you to now reflect back on your own challenges. Haven't they helped to make you a better person? Haven't they helped make you who you are today? By being a challenge for my parents, for most of my life, I believe that the Lord has used that to help my parents grow. Thus helping them to be better parents to all of their children, and also be able to help other parents with similar problems.
I know that this has been a lengthy post, so I'm sure you are all tired of reading by now. But I just have one more issue to address. You can expect my siblings to have biting retorts to what I have exposed about them. They will try to attack me and make claims about the sins I have committed. I don't care. The things I have done, I did without regret. I didn't try to keep secrets, or tell lies, or blame other people. So you see, they may have their guns ready, but their bullets are made of rubber. It may sting, but won't penetrate. Feel free, beloved siblings, to hit me with your best shot.
God bless!
In most conflicts, the opponents will attack each other with smiles on their faces. Take political races, for example. They play hardball under the table, with the guise of being civil. Contrary to this popular form of fighting, my siblings, if you have payed close attention, have thus far been fairly civil with the unusual guise of being "nasty". This may be a hard concept for many of you to grasp. It took me weeks to realize the fact that everyone else was just being fake mean because they were scared of the consequences. But if you take a look at my record then you will clearly see that had I been afraid of the consequences of my actions, there would be no record of mine to look at. Therefore, I am pulling out all the stops. I will not only be addressing the various, obvious reasons why the inheritance belongs to me, but I will also be revealing some very substantial and truthful reasons why none of my dear siblings can lay claim to the coveted, and now famous, stockings and inheritance.
Aubrey) In high school, Aubrey routinely snuck out of the house at night to attend drinking parties. She didn't do this alone, either. She did it all with her contraband boyfriend, J, a master of forgery. (How else do you think they all got their fake IDs?) J later did a stint in jail for his very clever, but illegal, acts. [ I have never snuck out of the house to go to parties with a secret, criminal, boyfriend. I also have never had a fake ID.]
Aubrey is completely untrustworthy. It is impossible for her to keep a secret. For her siblings, telling something to Aubrey is like telling Dad and Mom...or NBC. [ I am a great secret keeper.]
Kristen) As a young child, Kristen constantly terrorized Annie. Once she made Annie eat one of her own scabs. Also some cat food. Kristen convinced Annie that she was adopted, because she didn't look like the rest of us. [ The only thing I ever convinced Shelley of was that if Dad ever became president, we would have to disown her because she wasn't born in the U.S.]
While at Moody Bible Institute, Kristen had a strict curfew. One night she realized that she had severely broken that curfew and, wanting to avoid discipline, stayed out walking around downtown Chicago with some random guy until 6 am, when the dorms opened again. [ I have never broken my school's curfew and never wandered around any major city for an entire night.]
Annie) Tattoo. Do you really need any more information about that? [ I do not have a tattoo.]
There was a time in our childhood when we were often left in the care of Annie. If she was tired of us and wanted us to go to bed at 6:00, if she wanted us to leave the room while she watched a movie, if she wanted us to be quiet while she was on the phone, or if she didn't want to feed us a much needed meal, then she would tell us that if we didn't obey then we wouldn't get the Fun Thing. The Fun Thing was this ominous nothingness, but it fooled us for months and months. One day CJ got fed up and told Annie that there was no Fun Thing. Annie blew up at her for giving away her secret weapon. [ I have never told that big a lie while babysitting any family members.]
Remember Aubrey's J? One day Annie was mad at Aubrey for not letting her hang out with her and J's sister, E, so Annie poured a tall glass of iced tea on E's brand new plaid Vans. (Afterwards, she received a swirly, courtesy of Aubrey's lovely friends.) [ I have never acted so viciously towards any of my older sisters' friends.]
Cathryn) When CJ was 13 (thirteen), she had a secret online boyfriend. She also, at the same time, had a secret camp boyfriend. So she was disobeying our parents, lying to them, and cheating on two unsuspecting boys. [ I have never had an online relationship, and I have never cheated on anyone.]
On Kristen's wedding day, my grandfather caught CJ, on camera, swiping frosting off of Kristen's wedding cake, before the wedding had even started. [ I have never purposefully disrespected any of my married sisters' special days.]
Poor Dok is terribly brain damaged. This limits the amount of responsibility she can have at any given time. What sort of things would happen if she were to be put in charge of the inheritance, and the coveted, fragile stockings? [ I am not brain damaged...as far as I know...and can now be given enormous amounts of responsibility.]
Nathan) Nathan started using profanity at an early age. It started with testing out Son-of-a-b**** at 8 years old, and ended with...never mind. [ I do not swear.]
Nathan has had more secret, and not-so-secret relationships than the rest of us combined. What should this tell you about his honesty with Dad and Mom? [ I have not lied to Dad and Mom...in years.]
Nathan has dropped out of college twice. Each time at a different school. His poor GPA is unpostable. [ I have never dropped out of anything, and my current GPA is 3.86.]
I could go on and on about Nathan, but it's all mostly the same stuff, boring after a while.
Shelley) A couple of years ago, Shelley told the world how she felt about the wonderful men that her three oldest sisters had chosen. She posted on an online message board that Dirk was so busy preaching and teaching that he was neglecting his wife and kids. She claimed that Dave couldn't provide for his own family because he was lazy. She also said that Caleb was detached from our family and that none of us liked him. [ I would never publicly criticize my three amazing brothers-in-law, who have given my parents the most beautiful 13 grandchildren ever.]
Shelley is so blonde, she would probably lose the antique stockings, and the inheritance, and forget that they were ever in her possession. Need some proof? I've compiled a few of Shelley's more famous blonde moments:
- She told John Caleb that he would have to take a boat to Alaska, because it's an island.
- She thought that anything wrapped in foil was from Taco Cabana.
- She thought that Huebner Rd. was a circle.
- When we were in the Smoky Mountains, one of the kids remarked on how beautiful the Alps were. Shelley told them, "We're not in the Alps, silly, we're in the Rockies!"
- She thought NASA was in space, and "Houston" was just a code word.
- She thought that a black comedy was a comedy with a black cast.
A lot of John Caleb's time these days is spent drawing his ideas for girls clothing and new characters from X-Men and Cats. [ I don't waste valuable time pretending to be a comic book illustrator or fashion designer.]
It is impossible for John Caleb to go five minutes without doing or saying something nasty to Timothy. According to John Caleb, every TV show that Timothy watches has something wrong with it, every game he plays is stupid, every girl he likes won't ever like hm back because he is immature and overweight. The list goes on and on. [ I am extremely nice to my baby brother, I even let him feed my fish almost every day.]
Timothy) Little Timothy is the only one of us who ever carried out a plan to run away. For being the only kid to actually run away from our parents, isn't it odd that he is now asking for their stockings, and the rest of the inheritance? [ I was smart enough to realize that there was nowhere to run away to, where they wouldn't send me back home.]
The mode of transportation most commonly used by Timothy is army crawling. That much time on the ground does have its consequences. [ I take every precaution to not smell like feet.]
So, as you can clearly see, the only one of my gracious and wonderful parents' children who is responsible and trustworthy enough to inherit the stockings is me. This may come as a surprise to those of you who have watched me grow up. I must admit, I was a very strong-willed child, among other things, and thus presented my parents with somewhat of a challenge. But I ask each and every one of you to now reflect back on your own challenges. Haven't they helped to make you a better person? Haven't they helped make you who you are today? By being a challenge for my parents, for most of my life, I believe that the Lord has used that to help my parents grow. Thus helping them to be better parents to all of their children, and also be able to help other parents with similar problems.
I know that this has been a lengthy post, so I'm sure you are all tired of reading by now. But I just have one more issue to address. You can expect my siblings to have biting retorts to what I have exposed about them. They will try to attack me and make claims about the sins I have committed. I don't care. The things I have done, I did without regret. I didn't try to keep secrets, or tell lies, or blame other people. So you see, they may have their guns ready, but their bullets are made of rubber. It may sting, but won't penetrate. Feel free, beloved siblings, to hit me with your best shot.
God bless!
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