There's a girl that you might know, she's a friend, at least I tell you so (by Shelley Warren)

Since many of my siblings have been pressuring me to blog about the obvious reasons why I deserve the Inheritance above the rest of them, I feel that the time has come to clear the air. Aside from being the youngest, nicest, prettiest, sweetest, most docile, obedient and loving child of Mom and Dad, (which should make you like me) and aside from having been born 4 weeks early, having backwards vocal cords and two chronic wrist problems (which should make you feel sorry for me), here are some supplementary reasons to vote for me.

Reasons why I'm Dad's favorite

• I'm his baby princess

• I sing the Beatles with him

• Unlike the rest of my undeserving siblings, I prefer Dad's bisquick pancakes to scratch pancakes
  

• I got him the complete Beach Boys collection

• I refuse to make oatmeal scotchies because I know he hates them

Reasons why I'm Mom's favorite

• I'm her baby princess

• I'm the only one who has her curly hair (which totally beats green eyes, am I right?)

• Everyone says that I look just like she did in high school

• As a child, I was the only one who requested (and was granted) a grown-up sewing machine

• I did ballet, which I think she is still hung up on ;)

Bonus reasons

• I'm the best speller out of all of us

• I inherited from Dad the ability to make up my own songs

• I look out for Mom and Dad: they no longer have to give me allowance, because at 14, I took the initiative to start earning my own

• I have amazing perseverance: when I was 5, I wore my red ruby slippers to church, even though they made my ankles bleed (Kristen can attest to this)

Aside from the homemade stockings, items that I claim include (but are not limited to): Proverbs 31 cross-stitch, 9 kids necklace, white cedar chest, the photograph of Pawpop, Dad, Uncle Jack and Uncle Bill on the beach in Brasil, Granddad's typewriter, all the teacups, all the cookie cutters, sourdough starter, 8-ft table, Dad's Brasilian money, the Hawaii home videos

Characteristic of my completely humble self, I will not arrogantly presume that I already have your vote, but to those of you who have, in your hearts, voted for me, let me just say that I hope you enjoy your strawberry brownie trifle.

"Every Day" Song - - Entry #3

Hi, my name is Molly Slaughter and I am the oldest daughter of Kristen (she says to say that she is the favorite Warren kid). My job is to tell you about a present I get from my Papa at the beginning of every month. Now not everyone would think it is the best present, but I think it is. You need to know that my Papa is very strange, but that's ok because most of my family is (on the Warren side anyway). I am so lucky that I get a song every month. Not just any song, but the same song...changed slightly each time. It goes something like this:

Every daaaaaaaaaay, all the waaaaaaaaaay
Through the daaaaaaaaay, while we plaaaaaaaay
I'll be loving youuuuuuu, and missing youuuuuuu
Every daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

It is very interesting. I think Papa has been singing me this song on the phone for about 3 years now. Sometimes its boring, but I know it by heart, which makes it a little less boring. Actually I enjoy it now, because it means Papa is thinking about me. While other kids are getting toys and stuff, its comforting to know that I get the best present of all. Don't you wish you did??

(p.s. -- forgive me if I got it wrong, Papa)

When it Comes to Wanting What's Real, There's No Such Thing As Greed (By Cathryn Joanna Warren)

Mine needs no introduction with big SAT words. This is just plainly and honestly and humbly why I'm better than everyone in this house. Here's to me.

>Dad only spanked me 1 time in my life, and it was because Mom forced him.
>I don't remember Mom ever spanking me. Ever. (Can Kristen claim this one?)
>I cheerfully, willingly, and on my own initiative, organized "clean the whole house days" and forced the younger children to participate. Usually at 6am on a Saturday.
>I raised 5 of my parents' children while Mom was on bedrest for something like 7 years, starting when I was 11 years old.
>I am the baker of the famous Warren bread, and most of the famous Warren cookies. I will make you some if you vote for me.
>I was doing all of the monthly commissary shopping when I was 16 years old.
>I was their only homeschooled child to go through the Algebra 2 book 3 times, all unsuccessfully. Wait, nevermind.
>I was their first child to play live music in the house. (other than Trust and Obey, Kris)
>In my 10th-12th grades, I didn't do one bit of schoolwork. Because I was too busy teaching the other kids. Who else would so selflessly sacrifice their education for the good of siblings?
>I'm sick in the brain. Your vote for me will keep me alive.
>I will probably be the last child to leave home. (Ask the other kids...they'll tell you it's true.) How's that for dedication?
>Because of me, my whole family has gained an infinite amount of knowledge about the human body (specifically the nervous system) and medicine in general.
>I have been stopped on the street and asked, "Are you John and Cathi Warren's daughter??!"

Aside from the Christmas stockings and the Inheritance, I claim: the sower statue, all pictures, all Air Force memorabilia, and the library. I also swear to hand over half of my Inheritance to Trish, because I'm the nicest of us all.

It's lonely at the top. But it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.

Move over moppets. The winners have arrived. We (Aubrey and Nathan), as Oldest Daughter and Son, have seen fit to respond to this imbroglio together. We are loath to talk highly of ourselves but sometimes we have to reach down to the squalid level of our siblings and use small words.

1. Two words: Birthright.

2. Why search for another reason?

3. We, having lifted our parents to new and greater heights of affect, are First in their hearts.

4. Aubrey, ardently and sacrificially, gave her parents their first grandchild.

5. Nathan unselfishly lives in his parents timezone.

6. Mother and Dad are exquisitely proud of their first attempt at parenting.

7. Nathan WILL be taking care of Mother and Dad in their advanced years.

8. Aubrey, unlike other unnamed sisters, has stayed by the parents side virtually her entire life. That is dedication.

9. Nathan and Dad have a special bond only made possible by him being the Oldest Son, golf, and teasing Tim.

10. Aubrey has been indirectly responsible for cleaning the Warren sewer line, catching mice in the Warren house, painting the Warren house, fixing numerous broken items in the Warren house, grill-building, etc.

11. When Nathan was born, there was a collective sigh of relief that the Warren name would live on.

12. Aubrey is married to Mother and Dad's pastor.

13. Nathan was by far the most convivial Warren baby.

14. Aubrey was by far the most amenable Warren child.

15. No amount of silliness from Anne, words no one understands from Kris, future "woe-is-me" thoughts from the Leaker, or anything else those little people come up with changes anything.
We are the Oldest. If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.

We would, if we felt so inclined, give overtures for your acknowledgement of our virtuous status.
We need no concurrence. We trust fully in our gentle parents' acumen. The rightful heirs will be triumphant.

"I'm the Only Cause I'm Interested In"... by Kristen Warren Slaughter

I feel that a candid prelude would be wise for me to insert here, so that there is no misunderstanding as to my expectation or motivation in this endeavor. While the exercise of each Warren child "selling themselves" (so to speak) seems the most fair way for each of you to make an informed decision about the candidacy holding the most promise, I'll admit to being at a loss here. As I've thought through the (very few) years since my childhood, and come up with some items of note that may aid me in garnering your support, I hit many mental roadblocks and stopped many times in frustration, all the while confused as to why this is such a struggle for me. And then in a moment it all became clear. I don't know why I didn't anticipate the difficulty I would have, and yet I realized that this whole "assignment" feels so foreign to me. In a nutshell, I'm just not used to having to convince anyone why my resume-of-sorts is superior to any other. Its just typically self-evident. However, in the spirit of friendly competition, camaraderie, and to avoid any disqualification, I'll attempt to posit some particulars that may shed some extra light on the aforementioned obvious outcome:

(as a small caveat, I will not attempt to separately list claims that are more inclined to one parent or the other, since I, of course, view our parents as a Biblically represented "one flesh" who strive to always present a united front. this example was invaluable to me as a child and continues to be a source of constant and consistent inspiration. plus, our parents are not only married, but still engaged.)

1) I skipped 2 grades, which is testimony to the intellectual prowess of parents who can produce a great example of effective academic instruction. Every parent wants kids that make them look smart. Period.
2) I constantly challenged Mom and Dad's parenting "theories", which made them only MORE effective at parenting the children in the years after me. Had I not "sharpened" their skills at dealing with unforeseen obstacles to child-rearing, the subsequent offspring might have had less-than-superior structure in their daily lives.
3) I sang "Friends" in church when I was 11
4) I took it upon myself to give Aubrey and Annie daily practice in dealing with difficult relationships, remaining the sole reason that they have the interpersonal skill to diffuse conflict that is admired by so many.
5) And finally, while some have regarded my personality as difficult to get along with at times (these opinions of course are uninformed and regrettable), I married a man who is likely the most easy-going person in the family, and most closely resembles the personality of Dad. And that is always a good thing.

I'd ask for your vote, but I really believe that would represent the assumption that you might withhold it. And while I suppose that is existentially possible, it appears to be highly unlikely. Good luck in your attempt to fairly weigh all nine arguments before you choose me.

Humility, and How I Attained It (Or, Why I Deserve the Inheritance), by Anne Warren Welty

There are so many reasons I could list, but I'll stick the few real gems that highlight my platform...

So, here are some reasons that Dad will pick me:
1.) I always sided with him when he and mom had disagreements
2.) I helped him wash the car and do fix-it jobs around the house
3.) I was always in his camp about getting to church early, and consequently got to ride with him in the Ford Tempo Sport GL (our first sports car, I'll tell you about it sometime) to help set up for Sunday school.
4.) I loved our "soda fountain on the car dashboard game", while my two older (and ungrateful) sisters only whined and cried about how it wasn't real.
5.)And finally, Dad knocked out my two front teeth while wrestling with us, so he owes it to me.

And here are the reasons Mom will pick me:
1.) I let her teach me how to knit, crochet, and cross-stitch (things my above-mentioned older sisters proudly eschewed due to what I can only assume was an imagined "social stigma")
2.) I always volunteered to stay home with Mom when everyone else was leaving the house with Dad to get treats and whatnot.
3.) I was her first homeschooler (this really should be #1, but I don't want to make it obvious that I'm the favorite by listing the best first).
4.) I married a homeschooler, which was her most lofty goal for me.
5.) And finally, I have her green eyes. I'm the ONLY one with her green eyes. *sigh*

And that, my friends should leave you with no doubt. Not only do I deserve the homemade stockings (and accompanying ornaments), but I also will give a loving home to her Noritake wedding china (Aubrey, if you've already kidnapped it, GIVE IT BACK!!), and all of her audiobooks. Thank you, in advance, for voting for me.

The Inheritance

I know that everyone thinks that we Warrens don't ever fight (just don't ask Stephanie K....she's seen it all) and all we ever do is love each other and laugh. That is...partly true. We can love each other while we're fighting, can't we? To set the record straight, we do fight. Sometimes. These fights usually revolve around "Why are you wearing my sweater without asking me?!" or "I took the trash cans out last Friday so YOU have to do it this time!" or "You knew I was getting up to get some water and you took my seat!" or "Why are you sitting on my bed??! Go get your own bed!"

You get the picture. However, there is one fight in our home that has been raging since the Warren world began. A fight that will, most likely, never be completely resolved, a fight that we will never get tired of fighting, a fight that we will carry with us to our graves. Or, to our parents' graves.

Let me explain the backstory here. Years ago, in a far away land, Mom and Dad were very, very poor. No money, little food, and terrible living conditions. (Yes, they've come a long way.) It was time for Christmas and Dad and Mom looked at each other, wondering whether they would be able to have any Christmas at all. It didn't feel like Christmas because they couldn't afford one single decoration. Not a lot of presents for their little girls either. Mom, despite having little funds, was determined to make it the best Christmas ever. She began hand sewing all of their Christmas decorations. Wreaths, manger scenes, trees, gingerbread men, and even our stockings.

Some people might think that hand made decorations are cheap and useless and should be disposed of as soon as possible. But to us, they are some of our most cherished possessions. Every year, we break out our decorations and with it, the homemade stockings. For all of these years, we've wondered which one of us kids would actually get the stockings in the Will. We've begged for them, debated over them, attempted to bribe our parents for them, and a few of us have even considered hiding them until Mom and Dad die so we can "inherit" them. Some people take out life insurance money on dead people, but we plan to have a free-for-all for those stockings.

Now, it's not just the stockings that are the issue here. The stockings represent a much larger and rather illusive "Inheritance". Nevermind that there really is no Inheritance to speak of, but we know that whichever of us ends up with those stockings is truly the favorite child and will have all claims to the Inheritance. Mom and Dad say "Oh, there is no favorite child!" Yeah, right. Someday, we're going to find out who it is. But while they're still living, we all think we still have a chance at the stocking prize. We plan to use this blog as a public debate forum in which all 9 of us will lay out our best arguments for why we should get the stockings and with it, the Inheritance.

I'm sure the arguments will go something like this:
Aubrey-- "I'm the oldest!"
Kristen-- "I'm the smartest!"
Annie-- "I'm the prettiest!"
CJ-- "I'm the...sickest."
Nathan-- "I'm a multi-dollar recording artist!"
Beth-- "I'm the skinniest!"
Shelley-- "I'm the pinkest!"
Caleb-- "I've edited Wikipedia!"
Tim-- "I can do the best Army crawl!"

Stay tuned for each of our very convincing and mostly true arguments. Vote for your favorite after we've all posted!

Threthrathrilla

Entry #2--Threthrathrilla
Don't be alarmed by the look of this word--it has a very simple pronunciation. Simply roll each R, and pretend that you're saying "quesadilla" with substituted consonants.
Years ago, when I (Shelley) was about five or six, Dad took us all out to a mexican restaurant. After stating that I wanted a quesadilla, Dad leaned in and said, "Shelley, do you know what the *real* way to say quesadilla is?"
"No, what?"
"Thre-thra-thri-lla. That's the Spanish way to say it. So when the waiter asks you what you want, tell her you want a threthrathrilla. She'll know what it means.
[Waiter walks over]
"I would like a threthrathrilla."
[Befuddled look from waiter]
[Dad laughing so hard he's crying]
[Mom shaking her head]
[Shelley vowing never to be Dad's friend again]

So, to this day, very rarely will any of us say "quesadilla." We know the REAL way. And now, so do you.

Gr-in-Baby

We know this blog has been severely neglected, and so to remedy this, the 9 Warren kids have decided that we will begin a new series entitled "Warren Culture". We will be posting words, phrases, embarrassing stories and jokes, arguments concerning which of us REALLY gets the Inheritance, and other blurbs to shed light on the Culture that Mom and Dad have created in our home. We're weird. Really.

We have a long, long list of words and phrases that we've made up and way overuse, and if you live in San Antonio, you've most likely heard many of these. Some of the entries will include a video or audio clip to make sure you know HOW to use the words and HOW to say them. We hope you'll have with this, and that you'll start incorporating some of these awesome words into your daily vocabulary. That way, we won't be weird. We'll just be normal.

And so we begin.

Entry #1--Gr in Baby
If you ask any one of us, one of our earliest memories is of our mother teaching us how to read English. She had great phonics charts with "bl in black, st in stack, cl in clock, dr in drop" and every single bl in blend you can think of.
Because our dear father has a hard time taking most things in life very seriously, he LOVED to give us what he called the "true blends."
They went like this:
bl in block
cl in clock
st in stack
dr in drop
gr in baby

He insisted that it was really a true blend and would even tell us that Mom didn't really know how to teach phonics. We waited through our entire phonics book to be able to use "gr in baby" and...it never showed up. To this day, if Dad encounters any child who is learning to read, he will undoubtedly ask them, "Have you learned gr in baby yet? That's my favorite!"

So the next time you're teaching your child to read, be sure to teach them gr in baby. They'll be glad you did.