I'm not going to title this post with a stupid, out-of-context song lyric... By John Caleb Warren

I find myself laughing silently at my siblings’ lovably cluelessness and playful humor. I have never thought myself to be the superior Warren, but that does not necessarily negate the truth of the fact. In this post, I will discuss, not necessarily why I am the best, but why none of my siblings can attempt to compete on a level as high as mine in their dizziest daydreams.

Also, I would like to point out that I will have separate lists for both of our wonderful parents, unlike some of my *ahem* other siblings, who feel the need to integrate their lists because, if separate, each list would not even have enough positive attributes to even be called a list. I will also not throw carefully worded slurs about my parents not being individuals and then use the Bible as a cover.

First, we will look at why our beautiful mother is most likely predisposed to give me the inheritance in question:

1) We’ll start with the most obvious, which is, I look the most like said beautiful mother.

2) I am the only one of her kids that will make her coffee that doesn’t give her a heart attack because of how ridiculously strong it is.

3) I am the only one of her sons that does not ‘declare’ a new collage major every week and/or aspire to be a psychic zombie ninja.

4) I definitely have the best grades of any of her children still in grade school (duel-credit course grades are immaterial).

Next our loving and generous father:

1) He obviously already likes me the best, hence my first name.

2) See Mom’s 3^rd reason.

3) Since my supposed brother is supposedly ‘away’ at ‘collage’, when father is on his TDYs, it falls to me to put the trash out, make his wife coffee, put the trash out, yell at his daughters’ boyfriends, lock all the doors, and put the trash out.

4) I don’t try to win his favor by buying him cds, humoring him when he plays games in the car, or being an all-around suck-up like my siblings claim to be, as if that will help their chances.

Now that we’ve got that matter cleared up, I would like to point out that, contrary to popular belief, I have the best glasses.

And remember, a vote for Caleb is a vote for Caleb.

Funded by the Beth/Caleb ’08 campaign.

Timothy Saves Humanity...by Timothy Davidson Warren (aka Woodard!)

Hi, my name is Timothy Warren. I am doing this under protest, but I am the coolest Warren in the...city.

Reasons why Dad will give me his riches:
--I inherited his mighty-good looks so why shouldn't I inherit everything else??
--Just by looking at us when we talk, you can tell that I'm his favorite son because he buys me video games when they're on sale at the Base and give me his old pocketknives.
--We both love Notre Dame football.
--We play basketball together, something you will never find Caleb doing.
--I am the only child that Dad can still buy toys for. Everyone else is "too cool" for toys.
--We both like Popeye's chicken strips.
--I will be the only kid to fight with CJ over who really gets to leave home last. (Sorry Sis)
--We both hate baseball.
--One of us likes soccer...I don't know who.. (but it's not me! shh!)


Reasons why Mom will give me her riches:
--I inherited her timeless beauty, so why shouldn't I inherit the rest of her beloved possessions?
--I make her some mean Mac and Cheese.
--Every 2 seconds I walk into her room and ask if she needs anything.
--I make all the problems that happen on Dad's TDYs fun for her and everyone else in the house.
--I will be the second to last kid living with them. SSShhhhhhh don't tell CJ!
--I walk at her pace when we're out together.
--I was her last 1st grader.
--I was her last 2nd grader.
--I was her last 3rd grader.
--I was her last 4th grader.
--I was her last 5th grader.
--I was her last 6th grader.
--I am her last 7th grader.
--I will be her last 8th grader.
--I will be her last high school student.
--I will be the last child that she has to shell out thousands of dollars for college for. (well, it depends on what CJ decides to do. )

Reasons why you will vote for me:
--I spend my allowance wisely on other people.
--I will buy you presents.
--I am the one who regularly gets conned out of his allowance by Beth who needs to "borrow" money. Probably because I'm the youngest.
--I can make you a boiled omelet.
--I am the funnest of all of our people.
--I am also the weirdest. But I am saving humanity from normalcy.


Bottom line, I am the best Warren kid in the world. Vote for Tim!